What is Equalizing? And what's the difference between equalizing and abuse?

Equalizing refers to a PDAer exerting power, control, or status in order to regain a sense of nervous system safety after a perceived loss of control or social equality/status.

For some PDAers it is more disabling than demand avoidance. (I'm one of those people!)

Equalizing is driven by the autonomic nervous system and is usually subconscious.

However, a PDAer with enough developmental and nervous system capacity will be able to recognize equalizing as they are doing it if they have been given the name. Both my son and I have reached this developmental milestone, which is super exciting. So I am here to tell you it is possible!

It’s important to note that PDAers do not get pleasure out of equalizing and may even wish they could stop while doing it.  The only goal of the behavior is to regain a sense of nervous system regulation. Once the nervous system regulates, the equalizing behavior stops - sometimes so suddenly it looks like a switch being flipped. This is different from what is seen in some personality disorders or other abusive dynamics where the troubling behavior is driven by the pleasure the person gets from manipulating and controlling others.

Equalizing is a term coined by Harry J Thompson. I was introduced to it through the work of Kristy Forbes and later Casey Ehrlich. I'm grateful as always for the thought leaders and advocates on whose shoulders I stand.

PDAers may equalize with another person...

Equalizing with another person can be overt, like insulting, yelling, hitting, or hiding or breaking an item.

Or it can be more subtle, like criticizing, one-upping, exerting expertise, or correcting. 

...or with themselves...

PDAers who internalize their threat response may not feel safe enough to equalize with someone else, so they turn the urge for control on themselves. This may look like self-harm, destroying their own property, or withholding food or preferred activities.

...or with a task.

A PDAer may equalize with a task that they sense as threatening. This looks like exerting control over exactly how we do the task in order to regain a sense of nervous system safety in the face of the demand. This work-around can prevent full avoidance of the demand. i.e. only brushing teeth in a certain room; only wearing clothes branded as Minecraft; only buying organic or local food.

What you need to know to support your PDAer:

• Learn to recognize what equalizing looks like in your PDAer - whether that is you or a loved one

  
  

• Build compassion for it as a panic response to loss of control or social equality/status

  
  

• Accommodate kids whenever possible. Give a win, even if it seems ridiculous. The goal is to help the child get out of threat response in the moment and build nervous system capacity over time so that they can grow into PDA adults with self-awareness who are able to access safe modes of nervous system regulation.

  
  

• Get nuanced about how/when to accommodate adults, especially partners - see section below on the relationship between equalizing and abuse.

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What is the difference between equalizing and abuse?

This is a hugely important question. 

• Parents are asking: If I allow my child or teen to equalize with me, am I enabling them to grow up and abuse others later in life?

  
  

• Partners of PDAers are asking: If I suspect my partner is PDA, does that mean I need to let them equalize with me?

  
  

If you are asking one or both of these questions, thank you for asking it. It’s brave and important, and I want to offer you a nuanced yet very clear answer:

I believe what differentiates equalizing behavior from abusive behavior is the power dynamic between the people involved.

Let’s look at two scenarios to show what I mean:

• Scenario 1: A PDA child hides her mother’s purse to try and stop her mom from being able to leave the house for the evening.

  
  

• Scenario 2: A PDA husband hides his wife’s purse to try and stop her from being able to leave the house for the evening.

  
  

Hopefully your body reacted differently to those two sentences! 

Let’s slow it down and unpack the difference.

Scenario 1: Parent-Child Relationship

With children and parents, there is a power imbalance in the relationship to begin with:

• The child is dependent on their parents for food, shelter, love, and belonging.  In our scenario, the mother has the autonomy and power to leave the house for the evening regardless of her child’s preferences (Of course PDA parents who are accommodating our children don’t feel like we have this autonomy, but we are still autonomous adults choosing to prioritize a child’s nervous system safety).

  
  

The child’s PDA nervous system senses this power imbalance and feels unsafe with it. By hiding the purse, the child is balancing the power between her and her mother at that moment. This balance of power in the relationship is what makes it not abusive: 

There is also an inherent difference in responsibilities between a parent and child. 

• The parent's responsibility is to support their PDA child in feeling as safe and secure as possible in childhood, within the real constraints of their lives. This sense of security will enable the child to increase her nervous system capacity, build awareness of her threat response, and grow up into the most resilient and self-responsible PDA adult she can be.

  
  

• The child’s responsibility is to make her needs known to her mother so that the child can feel as secure as possible and develop in her own unique way.

What are a parent's options when a child is equalizing?

Ideally, the parent can help the child’s nervous system regulate by finding ways to offer autonomy, control, social equality, and co-regulation. 

Taking the scenario of the child hiding her mom's purse, here are some ideas:

• Mom may decide it’s not worth going out, given the cost to the child’s nervous system.

  
  

• Mom can make a game of not being able to find her purse, getting silly and playing hot and cold or hide and seek looking for her purse, letting the child have total control of when and how she finds it.

  
  

• Mom can take the focus off the purse entirely, and strew some other novel distraction - a new toy, ice cream, a video. Mom only looks for the purse once the child’s nervous system is co-regulating with that thing and whatever babysitter/co-parent is staying with the child. Mom says a quiet goodbye without breaking the child's focus on the novel thing/new co-regulator.

  
  

• Mom can give the child other opportunities to feel in control, i.e. wrestling the mom and pushing her onto a couch, or trapping her in a pillow fort. Another great one that works well for my kiddo is to promise to come home early. "You know what? I’ll come home 20 minutes earlier than I otherwise would have."

  
  

• Mom can give language to the child, “I see you’re equalizing with me going out tonight. That makes sense. I get it. You need to feel in control right now. We'll figure it out together. I'm on your team."

  
  

• Mom can always choose to leave without her purse or find it without allowing the child to equalize.

  However, there will be a nervous system cost to the child. Mom may come home to a lot of dysregulation or further equalizing. If this happens a lot, the child's safe circle will shrink.

  
  

Aggressive equalizing in children

Hiding a purse is annoying, but no one gets hurt. 

But some PDA kids and teens will equalize by hitting, punching, or otherwise going into a full fight response. This can be exhausting and scary for everyone, them included.

Over the long term, the way to support the PDAer and their family is by creating more safety for the child, so they don't go into threat response as often or for as long.

In the moment, I have found it most supportive to view the aggression as a meltdown, and to respond with compassionate non-reactivity.

In my PDA Safe Circle® Community and Course, I go into depth on how to create more safety for the child and also include a guide for handling meltdowns.

Scenario 2: Spouses/Adult Partners

Now let’s look at the scenario of a PDA husband hiding his wife’s purse because he feels triggered by the loss of her presence as a co-regulator for the evening.

Here, the PDA husband's trigger and coping strategy is the same as the PDA child's above, but the relational situation is different: 

While the child hiding the purse balances the power between her and her mother, the husband hiding his wife’s purse upsets the power balance between him and his wife. That's because they are both adults who, at least in theory, started out the evening with balanced power. Hiding the purse gives him power over her. His wife could name the behavior emotionally abusive.

The spouses' responsibilities to each other are also different than in a parent-child relationship.

• In our culture, a parent of a child under 18 is responsible for the care and wellbeing of that child no matter how distressed or disabled the child is. 

  
  

• But when it comes to a romantic partner, we can - or should be able to - safely walk away if our needs aren’t being met in the relationship.

  
  

What are the wife’s options in this situation where her PDA partner is equalizing with her?

In an otherwise loving and fulfilling relationship, the wife may choose to stay with her PDA husband to see if he can gain some mastery over his threat response. (Here I am speaking from lived experience. I was the PDA spouse, and my husband stuck it out with me after years of unconscious equalizing before we knew about PDA).

The trick here is that the PDA partner needs to have enough room in their safe circle to reflect on their equalizing and gain self-awareness of their threat response. If they can do that, the couple can likely work it out.

For instance:

• The PDA partner may find medication or supplements that increase their safe circle, so they don’t have the autonomic need to equalize with their spouse to begin with. 

  
  

• The couple may find creative, playful ways for the PDAer to consensually equalize with their partner before triggering moments. (i.e. Winning a game, info-dumping, kink, a pillow fight...)

  
  

• Or, even better, the PDAer may learn to notice the sensation of threat in their body, and release it through movement, creative expression, or nervous system regulation exercises without needing to involve their partner at all.

  
  

However, if the PDA partner goes into threat when their partner tries to talk about the equalizing, or if they double down and equalize more, or if the non-PDA partner begins to feel chronically unsafe emotionally or physically, that can signal the end of the relationship.

Let’s return to the question partners of PDAers are asking: If I suspect my partner is PDA, does that mean I need to let them equalize with me?

• My answer: No. You do not owe that to a spouse or romantic partner. Whether you choose to or not depends on what the impact of the equalizing is on you, and whether your PDA partner has the capacity to be self-reflective and collaborate with you to find creative solutions.

  
  

Just because you realize your partner is neurodivergent and/or disabled doesn’t give them license to mistreat you. It just means that person may not be able to stop the behavior unless you walk away.

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The Longterm Plan for PDA Kids

Let’s return to the question parents are asking: If I allow my PDA child to equalize with me, am I enabling them to grow up and abuse others later in life?

• My answer: No. But read all three bullet points! The goal of accommodating equalizing is to help the child come out of threat in the moment AND to provide accumulated nervous system safety and regulation over time. Along with medications and other PDA accommodations, accommodating equalizing helps to widen a child's safe circle. The hope is that over time their safe circle will have room for self-awareness and self-reflection about their threat response, and room to learn self-regulation strategies that don't hurt themselves or others.

  
  

• If a parent does not allow the PDA child to equalize with them, the child’s nervous system will remain in threat, trust with the parent will erode, their safe circle will shrink further, and they will not have the nervous system capacity to practice self-awareness or learn healthy regulation strategies. What I see in my coaching practice (and what nervous system logic says) is that if you don't accommodate equalizing it is more likely that your child will equalize harmfully against themselves or others as they grow up. This is because they will still be seeking the security and nervous system resolution they didn't get as a child.

  
  

• However! And this so important: If a child's safe circle widens and they continue to equalize, and the parents never provide opportunities for self-reflection and awareness or information about the impact of equalizing on them, this is a huge, missed opportunity to help the child grow. Kids need modeling to learn about self-reflection, repair, and self-responsibility. 

My key take-aways for parents of young kids and teens who equalize against others or themselves:

1. Access your child's nervous system capacity (Element 3 of The PDA Safe Circle®)

2. Create as much safety as you can (Element 4 of The PDA Safe Circle®)

3. Then, over time, when their safe circle has room in it, provide opportunities for your child to grow in self-awareness, self-reflection, and healthy modes of regulation (Element 5 of The PDA Safe Circle®)

   
   

This combination of tracking nervous system capacity, creating safety, and providing opportunities for growth as the safe circle allows is the central dance of The PDA Safe Circle® Approach. (See the orange circles below!) 

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How can Caregivers Provide Opportunities for PDA Kids to gain Awareness about Equalizing?

Well, first of all, if a child’s safe circle looks like this...

...there is no room for discussion or reflection about equalizing or threat response. We are only focused on creating safety to allow the safe circle to widen.

But if a child’s safe circle looks like this...

... the child likely has room for some reflection.

What can parents do to help PDA kids grow their self-awareness, self-reflection, and healthy modes of regulation?

• Give your own threat response a name (I use "my threat response just got activated" or "My PDA part is getting in my way right now.")

  
  

• Model self-awareness, self-reflection, and healthy modes of regulation in front of your child. "Oof, that phone call was stressful! I'm gonna shake my body out to help myself regulate.

  
  

• Support your child giving their threat response a name (PDA part, threat mode, dragon, anything that helps the child notice the pattern and differentiate it from their core self). “I really get why you hid my purse last night. It makes sense, cause your PDA part/anxiety/threat response didn’t want me to leave, huh? Good to notice.”

  
  

• Use the term "equalizing" in conversation.

  
  

• Get curious about what it feels like in your own body and your child's when the need to equalize arises. (I.e. an urge to punch, a jitter in the chest, a big angry feeling...)

  
  

• Tell the child the impact of their equalizing is on you, matter-of-factly without scolding! You're just sharing relevant information so that your child can act differently on occasions when they have the nervous system capacity. Here's a script:

  
  

  • “You know, I ended up being late for a work meeting after I couldn’t find my purse yesterday. I know your thinking brain understands my work is important to our family, and it was just your threat response that needed to hide the purse. I really trust that next time we can figure out a creative solution. Then I can be on time, and you can feel safe and we both get our needs met!”

    
    

• Provide opportunities for healthy equalizing and regulation that are consensual and safe.

  
  

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The hardest equalizing scenarios

The two hardest interpersonal equalizing dynamics are:

• Between siblings who live together

• Between older PDA teens/adult children and their parents

  
  

The reason these are both so hard is that

• The power balance is close to begin with, so the equalizing leads to an imbalance of power instead of a balancing of power. 

• But, unlike the situation between adult partners, walking away from the relationship isn't an option.

I also want to acknowledge that many parents of young PDAers experience parenting trauma, and that if a parent has suffered abuse in previous relationships their young child’s equalizing can be a trauma trigger. This is another very hard scenario.

Design Thinking can help

The tool I offer for all these sticky situations is to articulate a Design Challenge. This tool comes out of the discipline of Design Thinking and cues us to get extremely clear with ourselves about what we are trying to do, what constraints we are operating within, and what matters most to us now. 

There may not be any solution that meets everyone’s needs perfectly, but once we’ve articulated the Design Challenge, we can brainstorm creative solutions, try low stakes experiments, and find some peace within the options we have.

If you’re looking for a immediate support, resources and community :

as a parent of a PDAer , or as a PDA adult, or partner/spouse…

You're invited to explore my The PDA Safe Circle®: a community and course, both mobile-friendly!

Everyone gets a free trial week when they join!

Explore the PDA Safe Circle