7 Steps to Support a Child Who Is Experiencing Dysregulation After School or Camp

When my son was in school, he mostly kept it together during the day in his inclusion classroom. But our afternoons were exhausting. For reasons we couldn't suss out (we didn't yet know about PDA triggers like loss of autonomy, control, or social equality) he could flip into a state I started to call manic dysregulation.

His body would careen around, his limbs would flail, he'd throw things, or push furniture over, or make silly sounds, or all of the above. After dinner he would climb on the table.

I couldn't imagine having him home full time because I needed a break from this kind of dysregulation.

What I didn't understand at the time was that school was the CAUSE of the dysregulation.

As a PDAer, my kiddo has a very sensitive threat detection system around losses of autonomy and social equality. He also, as a PDAer, has very limited nervous system capacity.

After a whole day at school absorbing the stressors of the rules and authority structure, his nervous system needed to discharge all that pent up stress.

It was coming out at home in manic dysregulation that looked like silliness on the surface. But this was not fun silliness. He was completely out of his own control, and unresponsive to any communication from us.

When my son stopped being able to attend school and we started accommodating PDA, his manic dysregulation episodes got fewer and less intense, until about a year ago they essentially stopped all together. Some of this is his anxiety medication but a whole lot of it is that he is no longer spending much of his day under the authority and schedule of other people.

Quite simply, my son’s body is now accumulating less stress and so it needs to release less stress.

Manic silliness isn't a behavioral problem.

It's a physiological response to discharge.

I got a fascinating view into the manic pattern when my son and I had a sweet and rare moment of adult-led learning a month or two ago.

He got interested in the Hebrew alphabet that he saw on a wall calendar in our house, and crawled into my lap to learn some letters and see me do simple calligraphy. Then he practiced recognizing the letters on the calendar that matched the ones I was writing.

Fifteen minutes into this, he abruptly threw the paper off my lap and flung the pen across the room. His back arched and his arms flailed out.

It was a huge light bulb moment for me. This kind of dysregulation hadn't happened in months and months of self directed learning and play. But it happened after 15 min of adult directed learning.

This confused me so much back when he was in school. Why, I wondered, was this still happening even though we had so many sensory supports in place both at home and in school?

The reason is that a PDA child in school - or an adult in work - isn't just dealing with sensory over or underwhelm. They are discharging the threat that has accumulated from a day in the school system, under the authority of teachers/bosses, schedules, social anxiety, losses of control, etc.

When I work with clients whose PDA kids are in school, and for whom school is not a special interest, I do a lot of reminding that most likely their child will need to discharge a fair amount of nervous system stress at home.

We cannot expect a child's nervous system - or anyone's nervous system - to be wired differently.

Therefore, if a PDA child is in school and finds it stressful, the adult(s) need to plan for the release of pent up physiological nervous system stress when the child comes home.

If your child discharges accumulated nervous system stress through silliness or aggression, here’s how we can support the child and family:

1) Expect the dysregulation. If this is your kiddo’s nervous system reality, it’s gonna happen.

2) View it as a physiological nervous system response, not as misbehavior.

3) Offer regulating sensory input at pick up. Gum. Popsicles. Hugs. Deep pressure. A crunchy snack.

4) Offer forms of high-energy, high impact play at home. Wrestling. Pillow fighting. Playground. Racing. Tickles. Competitions of any kind where the kid wins.

5) Try dropping screentime limits and mealtime expectations. See if removing these stressors allows your child to regulated them

6) Give it a name. My son would just say, “I’m dysregoolated!” because he has loved big words since age three. But your kid can give this part of them any name they want... just steer clear of any name with shame attached.

7) Normalize the dysregulation for your child. “It makes sense you get dysregulated after school. School is a lot of stress, and your body needs to release afterwards. We’re learning together what kinds of release help you regulate after a long day at school.”