5 reasons your child isn't coming out of burnout (yet!)

The information in this blog post comes from my own life, as well as my experience coaching hundreds of parents of PDAers, and supporting members in The PDA Safe Circle community. I am describing meaningful patterns I see in my work, not reporting on clinical studies.

You’ve been lowering demands and doing your best to accommodate your burned-out Autistic and/or PDA child, teen, or young adult.

Yet their safe circle is still super small and doesn’t seem to be expanding at all.

WHY?

Possible reason 1: There are still too many arrows jabbing at their safe circle.

Parents often drop many demands but still hold certain ones that create power struggles or cause internal distress. Frequent culprits here are tooth brushing, bathing, and... going to school - which is not one arrow (my term for a nervous system stressor) but hundreds.

Sometimes the problem is relational arrows hiding in plain sight: A difficult sibling dynamic, or frequent contact with a parent or caregiver who is outside the safe circle.

If you suspect there are still a bunch of arrows jabbing at your child's safe circle, you can draw a Demand Diagram to brainstorm what they might be, and identify which ones you can remove and mitigate. You can also access a basic version of this exercise through The Safe Circle Coloring Book.

There aren’t easy answers when someone your child lives with is outside their safe circle. I teach Design Thinking in The PDA Safe Circle Approach to help parents get clear on what matters most, and brainstorm creative ways to mitigate these kinds of arrows.

(To access my full resources on Demand Diagrams and Design Thinking within the full PDA Safe Circle Approach, you can try out a free week of membership in The PDA Safe Circle community).

Possible reason 2: We haven’t allowed enough time for burnout recovery.

Clients will sometimes come to me worried their approach to supporting their burned-out kiddo isn’t working. Often in these cases it’s only been several months of deeply understanding and accommodating PDA. Like a sprained ankle, an exhausted nervous system needs real time to heal from burnout. It often takes at least a full year, but it can easily take longer if recovery conditions aren’t ideal or if the burned-out child is older and has accumulated more trauma in their body.

If you are still within the first six months to a year of deeply accommodating a burned out child or teen, it's normal to feel like it is never ending, and it is normal to feel desperate for relief for both yourself and your child. This is a great time to lean on mindfulness practices, get creative about how to meet your own needs without asking more of your child than they can do, and immerse yourself in supportive community.

Possible reason 3: Medications are not optimized.

Most PDAers I support need a combination of environmental and relational accommodations AND medication to thrive. It can take time to bridge meds into someone’s safe circle, and it can take time to find a med or med combo that works.

When safe circle expansion is stalled despite deep accommodations and normalization of the PDAer’s experience, we are often dealing with neurotransmitter imbalance.

Not being able to access or find the right meds yet is frustrating, but it’s super helpful to recognize when it’s happening so we can shift expectations and get strategic about a plan for medications. Even if that plan means removing pressure to take meds, to allow the PDA antennae to relax and eventually be able to bridge meds into the safe circle.

For more on trouble-shooting medications, check out:

• What medications help PDAers & what if taking meds is outside the person's safe circle?

  
  

Possible reason 4: Underlying medical conditions

Bad allergies. Mold exposure. PANS/PANDAS. Anemia. Thyroid disorder. GI pain. Perimenopause. Pain related to hypermobility. Lyme Disease. Long Covid, gender dysphoria, gender transitioning... and PUBERTY (Ok, not a medical disorder 😂).

All of these above conditions can prolong burnout.

The category of medical conditions can also include mental health struggles such as:

• Depression

• OCD

• Psychosis

• General Anxiety

• Phobias

• Addiction

• Self-medicating with THC may prolong burnout. In some cases, this is because the THC interacts with medications. In other cases, it's just too much THC. PJ Starling is a PDAer and a certified cannabis coach who specializes in supporting PDAers using cannabinoids. You can reach him here.

  
  

If a PDAer is well accommodated and their safe circle is widening but stalled, they may have capacity for some therapies that target co-occurring mental health struggles. This is especially helpful for phobias, OCD, and general anxiety which can respond to gentle, consensual exposure — but only if the PDAer has nervous system capacity to engage in that process.

If you suspect underlying medical conditions, be aware that conventional primary doctors often miss what is going on, and routine blood work does not pick up on most of these conditions. A functional medicine doctor is a better bet, but it may still take your own detective work.

Accessing medical tests and care may be outside the child's safe circle, which is a common and really hard situation for PDAers. I'm available for private coaching to talk that one out, and we have a lot of wise and experienced parents inside The PDA Safe Circle community who can also weigh in if you try out membership. You can also check out this blog post on doctors' visits. 6 steps to make doctor appointments more accessible to PDA kids & teens

Possible reason 5: Shame and Internalized Ableism

Shame and internalized ableism are common, complex hidden arrows that effect many PDAers and other neurodivergent people going through burnout recovery. (An arrow is my terminology for anything that stresses the nervous system and shrinks capacity. Picture an arrow jabbing at a safe circle and shrinking it.)

People who have been shamed and blamed for their limitations are at particular risk for internalized ableism - the belief that as a neurodivergent disabled person they are inferior to non-disabled peers.

Even if you have begun to accommodate and understand your child, it can still take time and a lot of inner work for your child to begin to accommodate and understand themselves. This is particularly true for kids with extensive school trauma, those who endured trauma from harmful therapies, and those who maintain friendships with people living with much larger safe circles.

Parents can do a lot to introduce safe circle language to the family vocabulary to normalize small safe circle and fluctuating capacity. Always start by commenting on your own safe circle, antennae, arrows, etc.

Any attempt to directly save your kiddo from their shame will be met by PDA resistance. Holding compassionate space is often the best first move.

• "I get that."

• "I feel that way too sometimes."

• "It really can be so hard to not be able to do things we want to do."

• Refrain from trying to fix it.

  
  

If your child has some room in their safe circle for you to offer relevant information, you can note that there are many kids and adults in the world who:

• Live life at a different pace

• Have uneven skillsets

• Who want to do more than their body has capacity to do in any given moment

• Who are unschooled

• Who learn best in context

• Who go through burnout

  
  

Check out my free The Safe Circle Coloring Book for visuals and tips to mitigate shame and build nervous system literacy in PDAers.

I have supported many families through burnout, and into a new life that works for them and their child on the other side. If you would like private coaching to support your own unique journey, I am here for you. Coaching sessions are booked as needed. Each one is 50 minutes on Zoom. Fee is $150 for PDA Safe Circle members and $175 for non-members. View my calendar here.