A glimpse into unschooling with me & my 6yo PDA kiddo

Last year in early September as the New England air cooled and yellow leaves started fluttering down, I felt deeply sad. My PDA son had burnt out ten months before, and we had suddenly pulled him from the diverse and well-meaning public school where he had a coveted spot in an inclusion pre-K. Instead of collecting cute secondhand uniforms and putting name labels in a brand-new pair of Velcro shoes, I was home with a kiddo who still couldn’t leave the house let alone go to school, and hadn’t worn clothes for several months, let alone shoes. Instead of watching him run around a playground with other adorable little kiddos, I was watching hour after hour of Minecraft YouTube videos with him.

I felt sad for my son last September.

I felt deep grief and guilt for how panicked he had been for so long before we understood about PDA and implemented accommodations. I felt sad that the special interest in friends he had held for a year in school had precipitously dropped off, and that in addition to panic attacks he had zero interest in the peers who had once animated his days. I felt sad for his neurodivergent-affirming teacher, who had burnt out midyear and left abruptly just as my child was burning out himself.

And I felt deep grief and loss for myself.

I was one of the undiagnosed PDA Autistics who had always loved school. From 1st grade through college and 6 years of rabbinical school, school had been my special interest - a safe place where I found belonging, identity, learning, mastery, and delight.

So, I had loved being part of my son’s public-school community. I signed up to be the parent liaison with his teacher. I made friends with other parents. I knew all the names of the kids in his class, and the sensory needs of several of them. I got my rabbi-educator hat on and did a whole lesson on Hannukah, reading a story, singing with guitar, and giving our dreidels and chocolate coins to kids who had barely heard the word Jewish before. My son’s school had been a mini special interest for me.

But school had failed catastrophically to meet my son’s need for safety as a PDAer, and last September we were six months into burnout recovery.

Six months is the minimum amount of time the unschooling community recommends to “de-school.” That is, for a child or teen to just rest and recover from the trauma of being in exposed daily to an environment that their body registered as extremely stressful or threatening.

This September is a totally different story.

My 6.5-year-old PDAer has been out of school now for 18 months. He is thriving in radically child-led learning at home, known as “unschooling.”

Here are 7 glimpses of what unschooling looks like for us.

As you read this list, be gentle with yourself if your kiddo is still in deep burnout.

My kiddo has a lot going for him. He's an only child (great for many PDAers), Prozac helps him a lot, and we did not ever experience a breach of trust in our relationship the way many parents and PDA kids do. He is also happiest at home with adults or teens to play with and doesn't miss the social aspect of school.

I also want you to know also that my almost 7-year-old cannot write at all and spends the vast majority of his time at home on screens. Yet he is thriving.

(1) A Glimpse into Screens

My son is a digital learner, and he learns skills and massive amounts of content through gaming and YouTube. He has mostly moved on from Minecraft and now focuses on two special interests: Outer space, and the video game Portal 2. YouTube and gaming give him ways to learn autonomously, following the natural flow of his attention, going deep into subjects and tasks that interest him. Both YouTube and gaming have increased his executive functioning, self-confidence, patience, sense of belonging, and positive identity. We have no stigma or shame around either in our home, and we empower him with information and guidance (not rules) about keeping himself safe online, which he takes seriously at age six-and-a-half. (Check out How Unlimited Screentime Works in Our House).

(2) A Glimpse into Academics

Using YouTube as a digital village of teachers, my son taught himself to read above grade level by watching subtitles (this was a total surprise to me!). These days he learns about science, astrophysics, astronomy, and engineering, to name a few subjects. Note that completing assignments or producing work is not what we do - rather we enjoy the learning together. A few of his current favorite channels include Veritasium, Astrum, Kurzgesagt, Mark Rober, Be Amazed, and Nile Red.

He also watches silly Minecrafters, cracking up and jumping on his trampoline, or resting. He learns math through conversations about it with me and my husband, and by applying math to real world problems. He has an intuitive understanding of fractions, percents, and exponents, even though he is still learning basic arithmetic. It’s wild to see how organically he learns math.

Important note: Not all PDA children have the capacity in their safe circle to do this kind of academic learning and that’s fine. Nervous system capacity has to come first. As a safe circle widens naturally with the right supports, a child's curiosity about the world and natural desire to learn will return. Parents can use the PDA Safe Circle Approach tool called bridging (Element 6) to support their child's learning as their capacity returns. That said, learning may not look like classic academics and is often driven by special interest passions.

(3) A Glimpse into Wonder

One of the things I love best about unschooling is that I get to experience my kiddo’s wonder at the world in real time, on a daily basis. “MAMA!” he’ll pause a video and run to me. His face is bright, shining. “Did you KNOW Voyager 1 and 2 might be around even after the Earth is taken over by the sun?”

When we go on walks, which he is occasionally able to do now, he coos at trees, birds, insects. I’ve modeled asking both spiritual and scientific questions about nature since he was tiny. Now, he asks them himself.

“Do you think these flowers are sad because the tree is blocking the sun?”

“I am going to get honey to feed this honeybee, because she looks tired of pollinating.”

“Oh! Let’s pick this yellow leaf up and look at it under the microscope when we get home.”

His natural stream of wonder and curiosity is flowing again after all that panic and stress healed.

(4) A Glimpse into Outings

My son didn’t leave the house for most of a year. There were five months where he didn’t even get to one of our porches. Now, screens and inside are still at the center of his safe circle, but he occasionally has the energy to go on adventures and/or see people. It’s unpredictable and irregular when, but it happens.

Since recovery, we have explored the Arboretum, the Museum of Science, the Aquarium. We’ve seen mummies at the Museum of Fine Arts after reading about them at bedtime. We’ve gone to Home Depot together to get equipment to fix our toilet. He’s come with me to the doctor and he has watched me fill out medical forms. We’ve gone grocery shopping, and he’s helped at check out. We’ve climbed hills, practiced traffic safety (he’s more cautious of cars than necessary), gone out to ice cream and come home to try and make our own. His learning is driven by both real needs and curiosity.

Like all PDAers,my son's safe circle naturally expands and contracts over the course of a day, a week, a month, a year. After an outing he may need several or many days at home to rest and recharge. Expecting and planning for these expansion and contraction cycles is part of leading a sustainable life for him - and me, too.

(5) A Glimpse into Self Awareness

One beautiful aspect of unschooling is that my kiddo gets to spend days with a PDA Autistic adult (me) and we get to talk together about being PDA and Autistic. Our family uses a lot of Autistic language in everyday conversation, which normalizes and celebrates Autistic culture and PDA identity.

We talk about infodumping, good “sensory feelings,” stimming, and our ability to “monotrope” (deeply focus) and how that is a gift and can be hard, too. We process threat responses after the fact (“That seemed so hard when Papa wasn’t home, and you wanted to play with him. I could see that fight response in your body. I wonder how it felt to you.”) I celebrate that he has awareness of his threat response, which he calls “my PDA part.” This self-awareness is only made possible because his safe circle has room in it for such nuanced developmental skill. And he only has capacity because of the work we did to help his nervous system recover and feel safe again.

Self-awareness conversations are not possible if a PDAer's safe circle doesn’t yet include a PDA identity, or if the PDAer is too stressed to engage in self-reflection. That's OK. We then work on creating safety through medications and accommodations, and as the safe circle widens we can work on bridging in PDA identity and self-awareness. (Check out The Safe Circle Coloring Book for an easy introduction to PDA for all ages).

(6) A Glimpse into Helping

Unschooling means my child is learning in context. Instead of having a “kid life” filled with school and extra-curricular activities, and another life at home with me and my husband, he is integrated into the world of house-holding, such as it is.

As a kiddo in the proverbial Village learns how to be a human by watching what the grownups do, my kiddo learns how to work and care for a household by being there while my husband and I are working and caring for ours. Instead of any pressure to do regular chores, which would trigger his PDA threat response, I invite him to help with real tasks that I know interest him. And I let him help even if it makes the task less efficient for me.

He gives me feedback on PowerPoint presentations. He helps design Instagram posts in Canva. He comes to Office Hours at The PDA Safe Circle and pops in to say hi to a client and even offer his own advice, which can be very supportive.

Around the house he helps touch up the paint on the walls, fix the toilet, tighten bolts of our butcher block, vacuum hard to reach places, put new plants in the garden, bake, and groom our dog. Do these tasks happen often? No. Do I ever cajole him? No. I invite him, and often he says no... but then he'll surprise me and jump up with a big YES. I'm not going for regularity, because my child has a dynamic disability. Instead, I'm providing opportunities for my child to build his sense of confidence, belonging, and contribution to our home while learning useful skills.

(7) A Glimpse into Finances

It's important to name the effects of class on PDA burnout. In my family’s case, we had the financial privilege for me to drop out of the workforce during my child’s burnout and my own, and we were able to stay in our home. Pulling a child from school is so much harder for single parents, or families without financial cushion.

However, I do like to share that my husband and I were also clear that we would have moved or gone into debt, if necessary, in order to pull our child from school. We could not physically force him there even if we wanted too, and we could see the devastating effects of school on his mental and physical health.

I have clients and community members with kiddos in burnout or at risk of burnout who make the decision to pull a child from school in the same way parents keep a child home if they have a serious illness and needed full time medical care - even if it means going into debt, moving in with extended family, or making other major, uncomfortable life choices.

The wild thing is that registering my child for homeschooling has left me with more amounts of energy and time. Why? I am no longer working an extra part-time job to manage his well-being inside a school system not designed for him. I am no longer dragging myself and him across town for drop-off and pick-up five days a week. I am no longer spending my afternoons trying to keep a totally dysregulated child safe. Instead, I have a happy, regulated child who can play on screens for chunks of the day, so I am able to work the equivalent of full time, for myself, from home.

Supporting You

If you are wrestling with the question of school for a PDA child or teen, join the waitlist for The School Question. This in-depth asynchronous course is designed for parents and guardians of PDA children and teens, and is taught by me and Jenna Goldstein, certified school psychologist, Autistic adult, and PDA parent.

Jenna and I dive deep into the cultural context of school, how to apply Design Thinking to the question of your child's education, and give you detailed and concrete tools for advocacy within a school setting if that's the route you choose to try. Just remember: School is a strategy, not a need.

And if you're looking for support and community today, hop over to The PDA Safe Circle for a trial week.

Love,

Rabbi Shoshana